Stop ghosting, it’s dumb, here’s why

It happened, it finally happened. I was ghosted.

For those of you that don’t know what ghosting is, according to Urban Dictionary “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.”

So anyway, as a love coach, and friend I hear about ghosting a lot. I’ve never done it, and up until a few months ago I had never had it done to me.

My stance on ghosting has always been to not do it and just be honest.

But even with that stance, it had to happen to me once right?

Here’s how it went.

I met this guy on Tinder back in early February, but we never ended up meeting in person. This past spring, we were snapping each other and said we should hang since we never did.

We decided to meet up for dinner, so when the time came, I headed there without any expectations.

We ended up having a great time, hours of conversation. We shared the love of travel, the love of creating and the love of building a business.

After dinner, we headed to the beach to look at the moon. It was beautiful the way the moonlight shined across the ocean.

After I got home, he messaged me to see if the next night I wanted to go to his friends birthday beach bonfire. I thought that was really awesome of him to invite me, so I said yes.

The next night came, we headed to the bonfire, he pranced me around all of his friends, told his roommate we should all go camping at Joshua Tree and then basically told me everything I ever wanted to hear.

After the bonfire wrapped up, we headed to his house to hang more. And don’t get me wrong, in hindsight that wasn’t the best move on my part, but then I think why would it be a bad idea, because there’s a stigma, fuck stigmas.

We hung out at his place for a few hours, one thing let to another and we ended up having sex. It felt right in the moment, and he helped me feel safe. I get up afterwards to use the bathroom.

When I get out, he’s immediately awkward. He tells me we should probably head to drop me off and I agree.

We proceeded to leave to drive me home. The conversation was surface level, about how we both had to get up early and about music.

The next morning, I woke up feeling super shitty. I felt so much shame around having sex with him. I figured, maybe I’d hear from him like I usually do, and then to my surprise I didn’t.

Not that day, not the next, or the next. I was ghosted and it felt shitty. I didn’t hear from him until a week later when I got a “hey sorry I haven’t reached out, I’ve been so busy.” which my eyes rolled in my head reading.

Obviously we never hung out again,  but here’s the thing- getting ghosted feels shitty no matter who you are.

Getting ghosted creates stigmas, shame and guilt. You tend to second guess your actions or your words and that’s not okay.

We should feel safe in our truth and authenticity in the moments that we shared with whomever we were with.

So just stop ghosting, stop ghosting right now.

It’s not worth it, it’s inauthentic and kind of rude.

When you aren’t feeling a dude, just let them know so they’re never thinking what they did wrong.

And for the record, no one did anything wrong they’re just not into you and that’s okay!

And dudes listen, if you aren’t feeling a woman just let her know, especially if you had sex with her. In my case it’s probably what the guys end game was and if that’s yours, well stop being a dick and go learn how to feel because it’s a really shitty feeling that men can create for us women.

In conclusion- stop hiding, stand in your truth, own your feelings and step up with honesty to the other person.

So next time you think about ghosting someone no matter what gender you are, think about being an honest and respectful human instead.