Trust doesn’t have to be hard

Why is trust so hard?

We all have triggers regarding trust. Find one person for me that has never been wronged in their past. Find me one person that has never had one boyfriend at some point in their relationship who was unfaithful on some level. Find me a woman that is 100% trusting without a complete doubt in their mind… can you even think of someone off the top of your head? I can’t either.

See, I am a woman who like many other women have been cheated on in a relationship. Once it happens unless you have reached complete enlightenment or complete forgiveness or you’re basically a fucking saint, it develops a trigger. You no longer feel like you can trust anyone. You no longer feel that anyone can have your trust without earning it.

One of my ex boyfriends was a comedian and working actor. He was in the limelight and had many women throwing themselves at him every night that he took the stage. He had a huge social media following as well. I couldn’t escape the attention that he was getting.

But here’s the thing, this was also a man that had major insecurities since he was overweight and always had been. I was his first real girlfriend. He didn’t know what to do with me, or how to settle in.

I’d even say he didn’t settle in until we were breaking up.

He even asked me to marry him to try to get me back, but it was too late by then.

What I learned very quickly was that he was actually talking to women behind my back, pretending he didn’t have a girlfriend, never telling other woman that he was in a relationship. He would even go as far as laying next to me in my apartment and texting this chick about meeting up and cuddling or some shit, never telling her once that he was next to me or even that I existed.

I made the mistake that most women do which is let it go…. he wasn’t exactly cheating I’d tell myself. Of course it still hurt, I couldn’t ignore that.

But then, there was another girl, let’s call her Leila.

Leila was a girl from Twitter that he met a month after we became official at a comedy festival. I found out later that they slept together the night they met. What went on after was that he actually even started some what of a relationship with her behind my back. Leila was stupid though, (she knew about me) she even found my Twitter and started tweeting about my boyfriend….2 months later, a week before I was going to visit him in LA, they had plans to meet in Dallas while he was there for some shows. I was in NYC, so far away from them that they thought I would never know.

Unfortunately for him, Leila put their every movement on Twitter. I was devastated seeing this.

I confronted him that Friday and he replied that she was a fan. But when Sunday rolled around and I had seen that she left [via her announcement on twitter] I called him and confronted him on cheating.

He couldn’t lie, I had all the proof. I broke up with him, he cried and begged for me back, after hours of me stewing and crying in my bed, he called to apologize and promised me he would never do it again.

So again, I trusted him and stayed. He always referred to her as a groupie and told me that she was nothing and I was everything. So I bought it. Of course right, I loved him, so I thought his word was gold again just like most of us women.

Unfortunately for me, a few months later the night before I was flying into Austin to meet him, Leila and him met up where I still to this day am unsure what happened.

He never told me about it until we broke up.

We went on and eventually moved in together a few months later. I had thought that I forgave him for his infidelities.. but this time instead of physical cheating, he’d emotional cheat, getting girls numbers, never telling women he had a girlfriend. Finally a year to the day we started dating I had enough, I knew I was much better than all of this nonsense and that it really was not okay.

I knew I shouldn’t have stayed back in April when it first happened but I was naive and dumb and in love with those rose colored glasses. When I broke up with him and he had admitted these things to me, I couldn’t help but think to myself, what did I do wrong in the relationship that he felt the need to do this?

Why was I not enough for him? What were these women giving him that I can’t.

I hated myself for it, I completely blamed myself for it.

Here’s the thing ladies.

They cheat because of something inside themselves. It’s their own shit, not yours, and don’t even do what I did and take that shit on because girl, you will never be able to fully trust him again. There will ALWAYS be a little birdie in your ear saying “yea I don’t think

so” every time they tell you something that you don’t think feels so right.

I stayed entirely too long for fear that I wouldn’t find another man to love me as he did. I want you to know that even though you love them, well you can love anyone again just as hard and just as strong.

GET OUT NOW and GET OUT FAST!

That little birdie will never ever ever go away. Unless you get hypnotized or some shit I don’t know. Every time they open their phones you will wonder who they are talking to and why.

Every time they go somewhere with a chick that you don’t know you will always wonder about what is going on when they are together.

It’s seriously inevitable.

What they have instilled in you is a trigger. A trigger of trust that they will never be able to fully get back from you.

So this is what I want you to know:

If a man cheats on you, it’s not your fault.

You ARE good enough.

You are doing enough in the relationship.

You ARE beautiful don’t ever forget that.

And even if you do forget, read this fucking blog post and remember that you are awesome and deserve nothing but the best.

Besides that. Recognize this trigger. Recognize that every little aspect of their shadiness that they did will now trigger you in some way in your next relationship.

But I want you to know that, trust doesn’t have to be hard going forward. This trigger doesn’t have to rule your life. This is something that i learned and I want to share it with you as well, because it’s seriously the best lesson I have ever learned.

Know that your next boyfriend will not be the same as your last. It’s completely impossible. No two man are alike… that’s just some dumb thing that we tell ourselves to make us feel better when things don’t work out.

I want you to dig deep in this trigger, journal it even, look back and see where it began…. see why you can’t trust and how it made you feel.

If you’re in a new relationship, write down when your boyfriend does things that bring about this trigger  and why. Really dig deep.

What I want you to realize is that your new boyfriend if you have one or your future one, isn’t the cause of the trigger, it’s you. And it’s super important to do the internal work so that you can make sure to not bring this into your new relationship. Really peel back this layer of yourself girl!

Now, when your new boyfriend is texting a female friend or going out for a coffee with another one that you may have never heard of and you want get jealous and be like “what the fuck, who is this bitch”

Take a deep breath instead and remember, that this part of you is coming from the trigger from the man who cheated on you, not your new boyfriend (unless he has cheated on you too in which you should kick him to the curb, because he’s an asshole and you deserve way better, because you ARE BETTER than that).

Most importantly though, I want you to trust again. And i want you to trust off the bat without making him jump through hoops to win it. He trusts you fully, so why not you them? Stop punishing him for what your ex boyfriend at some point in your life did. It’s just not fair.

So I want you to slay this trigger like a fucking dragon.

There are wonderful trusting men out there. Once you discover him then, you will be able to give them your full trust and your full love. Yes of course, he may learn to know how fragile your full trust may be, but he will take care of it. He will hold it sacred, I PROMISE you!

So just remember this pesky trigger whenever it pops up just breathe it all in while taking a deep breath, then, breathe out to let it all go.

Trusting again is hard and it takes conscious work. You have to commit to it deep down in your being that you will give your full trust to this person each and every moment. You have to trust that they will hold it sacred and that they will nurture it. And here’s the thing, who honestly cares if they screw it up or if they don’t, more importantly you have learned to trust again and how wonderful that feels like.

Those moments that you want to freak out because your boyfriend is hanging out with his female friends will come less and less once you relax deeper in full trust. And let me tell you, when you have fully given your trust to someone, the little birdie fly’s away because you’re not feeding it anymore.

I mean of course you may always have this trigger but you can separate yourself from it consciously. Every moment that it even tries to come up for air, you relax deeper in trust with your new man.

I promise you that you will be significantly more fulfilled in your relationship once you do this.

It doesn’t hurt to try.